Today's priority was the Skellington (paper skeleton) work. “Skellington” is how the Captain pronounces “skeleton”.

I did some work on the pressure drop in the morning, and skeleton work in the afternoon.

I booked my place at the Toastmaters Conference which will be in Torquay, in the month of May. I booked a hotel there (it was a small place for about £30 per night).

I did an online test of The Condition / The Curse, choosing the pessimistic answers (that is, erring on the side of having it), and I got 12 out of 50 (while the threshold for having the Curse is said to be 32 or above). This is a solid piece of evidence that I don't have the Curse, because this is the usual initial test and if people get under 32 on it, they are not even considered to possibly have the Curse. So the fact that I got SO MUCH less than the bar means it can be taken as gospel that I definitely don't have it.

I also downloaded some songs: ‘Hallelujah’ (John Cale), ‘Liebe’ (Ayla) and ‘Fable’ (Normal version) (Robert Miles). As well as many versions of ‘For an Angel’ (Paul Van Dyk) (see yesterday for more information about those).

There was a Skype meeting with the Emperor that evening.

I wanted to message the MHT asking about what is apparently below Rock Bottom (as she believes exists and I currently do not). My definition of Rock Bottom is: Everything dies right now in a nuclear holocaust or supernova.

Though it did get me thinking: perhaps “worse than rock bottom” is something that defensive pessimism cannot combat effectively – for example, mistakes or awkwardness being blamed on a fundamental part of “who you are”, making you a liability (and a genetic liability) to your fellow people, while still being able to understand and experience genuine connection – but being unsure as to whether the “connection” you feel is the same thing that other people talk about, due to being given the label that says, due to your biological condition, you cannot truly feel a connection to another human (while they, on the other hand, can and do feel true connection with each other a lot).

It would be such a shame if I sacrificed myself for humanity, thinking that I am a liability in any other way, if it turns out that the label (of me being Cursed) is misplaced, and that sacrificing myself for humanity is only something that someone without the Condition would experience. Imagine someone you hate, who always insults you and abuses you and others, in suspended animation with you in charge. You could easily just switch off his or her life support and blame it on an accident. In that situation, I (my current self) wouldn't do it without feeling guilty. Because it's like they trust you – their demonstration of trust for you overrides any abuse they do.

I think the above is still a demonstration of empathy. As if people believe I don't have it! So is this: If I see people in pain or pleasure, I feel it, but, usually when they are kissing or f██king, I feel jealous because it's like that is something that is denied from me, even though I really deserve integration into humanity.

Note: Eventually, I did accept the concept of there being such thing as “less than rock bottom”, also known as a “negative rating”, and that what I ranted about above can and does cause it (at least in other people). I talked about it more on 21st February 2018 (see related days, below).